In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
