I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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