I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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