I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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