Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
