i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
