highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
