You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
