did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize