So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Randomize
