Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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