I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize