i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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