My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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