matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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