we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
