Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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