wakey wakey hands off snakey
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
