my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I need a burrito and a hug.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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