I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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