So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
