Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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