Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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