I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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