I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
