3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
