The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
