you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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