So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
