Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
