so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
