Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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