I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
