Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
