I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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