Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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