Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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