meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
