theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
