I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
