Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
