She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
