I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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