I wish I only lived at night.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
