My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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