he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
