I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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