1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
