she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
