The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
