his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
