Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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