how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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