there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
