Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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