do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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