I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
