I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
