there's paper in my vomit.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
