I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
