How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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