Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
