Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
