Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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