It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
