Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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