Your face is a jimmy john
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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